*wipes forehead*  That was an interesting quarter.  You see I had this brilliant idea that I could handle taking Vector Calculus, Optics and Waves (Physics III), Honors Introductory Metabolisim (Biochemistry basically), and Research Ethics all at the same time while working in my lab, volunteering, and well - you know... sleeping.  Crazy right?  

Well - yeah.  It wasn't so fun.  I'm not even kidding myself here.  My GPA is taking a hit, and I'm going to have to be a big girl and deal with it.  I am going to have to learn to cope with imperfection at some point, and I suppose it's better here and now than later in medical school, or when I'm practicing or something.  But it's been...  a tough and stressful quarter.  I set high standards for myself because those amazing successes used to make people so proud of me.  But then the high standards weren't something to be proud of anymore - they were just something to be expected - and if you outdid yourself, that's when you got praised.  But eventually you hit the ceiling and there's no higher that you can push.  They don't give better grades than the ones I've gotten since I was in 7th grade.  And for the longest time I let that define me - I let it define my self worth.  I wasn't the best volleyball player (I'm still not), I wasn't the funniest, or the best artist or the most musically gifted - but I was really really really smart and did what nobody else could.  I was perfect when it came to academics.  And now I'm on the verge of losing it - and I'm going to have to convince myself that doesn't make me worthless.  Which I know.  Deep deep down I know.  But...  It's still traumatic.  

Relationships with the parents are more strained than ever because....  well the most recent one is that I'm... reluctant to return to their place for the entire holiday - which they...  well at least my mother... was expecting me to do, and when I tried to explain that I was really more comfortable in my own apartment - well...  the fight ensues like it always does.  And I hate it.  I don't want to hurt my mother - but staying with them...  it makes me uncomfortable now that I'm out on my own.  Being there dredges up bad memories that I'd rather forget.  But to my mother it's me being selfish - and while there are a number of responses I have to that - my mother doesn't want to hear any of them.  Sigh.  I think we're both stubborn in the same ways - but with different opinions, and it makes for a bad combination.  It's funny.  Sometimes I think my parents have a coin they flip where one of them gets to be the rational one, and the other one gets to be the *bad* parent.  My dad's actually been really helpful supporting me on the: A) telling my mother I'm agnostic and really would feel uncomfortable going to mass; and b) dealing with the...  imperfection issues, and my mother calling me selfish and useless.  

And I haven't had the time to draw anything in FOREVER.  

So I've been down.  I actually finished school last tuesday.  I went to my lab, checked on my cells, then went home and slept.  A lot.  Used the rest of the week to try and relax, but ended up getting in above fight with my mother.  So I apologize for ignoring everyone.  I've been... really busy, stressed out, overworked, etc.  

But I have off until the first week of January - so I'm making the most of it while I can.  I've definitely had a lot of things that I wanted to finish - and I'm slowly working on them.  Of course, once January starts - I'm probably going to disappear again.  I'm taking differential equations, honors secondary metabolisim and genetics (biochemistry II), neurobiology/lab, history of concepts of the body in 19th and 20th century america, and computational methods in neuroscience.  Yeah.  I have a bit of a death wish here.  But all of the classes except for dif-eq are only offered this quarter, so I have to take them now - or wait another year.  It sucks like that.    

On a brighter note: I've been selected as one of my university's first students to complete a specialization in computational neuroscience.  This program was sponsored by the NIH (so I'm getting paid to do it!) and will have me working on some really cool stuff.  

I also started helping out in Nuclear Medicine here - and I've really enjoyed it.  It's funny - but radiology is something I could really see myself doing.  If I want to be a bit of a lab rat - I can do that.  Most of the MDs here also have their PhDs and do research. If I want to talk to patients - I can do that too.  Plus it's a lot of analysis of graphics - which I 'm totally good at   Plus there are only so many ways you can see into the brain - and radiology is one of them.  I think I've got a real direction in which I want to go with my life - which is kinda scary - but it feels really good too.  

Anyways - that's what's been up.  I'll hopefully be around a lot more in the next weeks so I'll try to get back to everyone - maybe get on IM sometime...  

Hope all is well with you.  

Oh and music of the week is definitely Kelly Clarkson's Stronger.  If you haven't heard it I definitely recommend giving it a listen.  

~Angela